


Don't You Ever Stop

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band), Kis-My-Ft2 (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Chaptered, Cheating, First Time, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 17:21:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14430444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: As much as Tamamori felt pretty adolescent in having to admit that, he was in love with him.He had always had, since he really was an adolescent, and when he had realized they were so close, that the other man was within reach, he had had a hard time believing he actually stood a chance.Yuta was happy.He had been for a while, and from time to time there were these days where he truly was.Even though the scenario wasn’t always the best one, not always the one a kid in love would’ve imagined.





	1. Kuroi Asa, Shiroi Yoru (Black morning, white night)

Yuta felt happy, that night.

It wasn’t something that should’ve surprised him this much, and he felt almost sorry it did.

When Kame had called that afternoon, asking if he wanted to have dinner together, he remembered to have looked so blissed that Taisuke had asked him if he had tried some kind of drug.

He had laughed with his friend, when he would’ve usually blushed.

And he had been in a good mood throughout the whole day and for the whole dinner.

Kame had told him about his day, starting with a rant about the shooting for the movie of Yokai Ningen Bem, with the result that he had basically been the only one talking during dinner.

But Yuta didn’t care at all.

He had never been a talkative kind of guy, so he was grateful to be with someone who actually was, saving him from embarrassing silences he didn’t know how to get out of.

And anyway he had to consider that he would’ve spent hours hearing Kazuya talk.

There was something hypnotic about him. That slight gesticulating, his excited voice, the sly expression he put on when he talked about something that had amused him.

As much as Tamamori felt pretty adolescent in having to admit that, he was in love with him.

He had always had, since he really was an adolescent, and when he had realized they were so close, that the other man was within reach, he had had a hard time believing he actually stood a chance.

Yuta was happy.

He had been for a while, and from time to time there were these days where he truly was.

Even though the scenario wasn’t always the best one, not always the one a kid in love would’ve imagined.

He knew he had gotten Kazuya at the wrong time, he knew that their closeness depended upon something bigger than the both of them, but he had decided not to take a step back waiting for a better chance that could’ve also never come.

And now that he was there, exactly where he had always wanted to be, he realized how good Kamenashi was at making his doubts disappear the moment they arose, as if he could feel it and put a bandage on it right away.

Like that night.

Tamamori could hardly remember about other times the elder had taken the initiative and asked him out.

They did go out with all the others, of course.

But when they were alone, Tamamori was the one to call him, winning his embarrassment and being almost vague when he asked they meet.

Or they stayed in.

Often, Kazuya called him, asking him to go at his place with that voice both whiny and lascivious, knowing all too well the younger wasn’t going to refuse him.

And Yuta never did.

This was why he had been happy for the whole day, because Kame had taken the initiative for something other than sex or the wish of not being alone, but because it was with him that he wanted to be.

After dinner they walked toward the elder’s apartment, not far from the restaurant where they had eaten, and Kame’s chattiness seemed to dim, leaving then in a silence that was all but unpleasant.

Yuta felt pretty relaxed, actually.

He wished that moment would’ve lasted forever, he wanted to stay there, in the familiarity of Tokyo’s streets, feeling Kazuya’s presence next to him and settling for that.

But they got to the front door of his building and he foretold something wrong, a feeling of discomfort that was usual for him close or inside that apartment.

As if he clung harder to that feeling of happiness, because he knew it was going to be gone soon.

But he said nothing to Kame, he never did.

He followed him inside, like a convict following the hangman to the gallows.

 

~

 

Yuta could feel him moving inside, and was almost addicted to that feeling.

Like the first time they had done this, he thought it could’ve never been enough.

And he still felt the same, like an inexpert kid in the arms of his dream, always hoping for it to be real, as if he couldn’t really believe he had gotten all he’d ever asked for.

That’s what Kazuya was for him.

It was something he had always watched from afar, until he found him in front of him and had realized he wasn’t so unreachable, that he could become something real, tangible.

That’s how Tamamori felt.

He held tight with his hands to his back, against that sweaty skin, while the elder thrust his hips against him in a perpetual motion, moaning in his ear, touching him, caressing him, scratching him.

Making him feel alive.

Yuta tried to come before he did, and it didn’t take much of an effort.

Then he kept laying on that bed, motionless, while the elder kept moving, with more heat and ardour, until he recognized the sign, until he saw him lose control.

Yuta closed his eyes, and got ready for the painful routine.

“ _Jin_.” he heard him groan, while he came inside of him.

He always hoped it wasn’t going to happen, and it was rare for Kame to prove him wrong.  

That was the moment he dreaded so much, the moment when he woke up from his beautiful dream and reality itself turned into a nightmare.

He knew what Kame dragged along from his past, he knew what it meant to be with him and had accepted all the risks, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel like crying every time the elder said a name that wasn’t his.

And he did it without even thinking about it, without realizing it maybe, and Tamamori had never told him anything.

He just made an effort to smile to him, pressing against his body, closing his eyes and imagining that Akanishi Jin may have never existed.

He wished he could’ve eradicated that presence from Kame’s life, that shadow he dragged along, that violence with which the other man had gotten inside his heart, forbidding him to forget, to go on.

Every night he tried, and every night he was forced to face his failure.

As scripted, Kazuya laid down next to him, grabbing his waist and holding him closer, burying his face in the crook of his neck, smelling his scent, unaware or uncaring of what he had just said.

And Yuta relished that hold as if it was real, as if it was there that Kamenashi wanted to be, as if he hadn’t been thinking about someone else the whole time.

He hated him. He hated Akanishi, he hated his presence in Kame’s heart, he hated that he wasn’t good enough to get rid of him.

And they had warned him, they had all said it was useless for him to even try, that Kazuya was never going to forget him, that it was like a disease for him.

And he hadn’t listened because he still believed in that, because he still thought that all the times he was in that bed had to mean something, that it wasn’t just because Jin had gotten out of Kame’s reach, that there had to me something more in what the elder wanted from him.

He repeated that to himself day after day, like a mantra, unable to stop because he knew that the moment he would’ve, then he would’ve been forced to surrender to the obvious.

He clung harder to him, breathing his scent, testing the texture of his skin, and then closed his eyes.

“I love you, Yuta.” the elder murmured, with that sleepy voice that meant he was going to be knocked out soon.

Tamamori didn’t answer, nor he believed him.

 

~

 

“It’s pointless, Tama, you know that right?”

Yuta was gathering his stuff after the shooting for Hamakisu.

He had hoped to be quick enough, but who knows how he hadn’t beaten Fujigaya to the punch that day.

And now the elder had sat next to him, looking at him in that almost maternal way that Yuta had learnt to fear and to despise a little, because he already knew what he was going to say and that he didn’t want to listen.

“What’s pointless, Taipi?” he asked, reluctantly.

“It’s pointless how you still try. You saw him last night, right? How did it go?” he asked, sounding like he already knew the answer to his question.

Tamamori blushed hard, lowering his eyes on the floor.

“It was good. And I have no idea why you should say it’s pointless.” he muttered, then he went back changing, trying his best to ignore the elder.

“Oh, of course it was good. That’s got to be why you’ve been wallowing all day.” he said, sarcastic, and when the other didn’t comment on this last statement he sighed, getting closer. “Yuta, I’m not saying this out of fun. I just don’t want you to hurt yourself more than you already are.”

The younger got up, turning to glare at him.

“Can you please tell me why you’re all so sure there’s something wrong between Kame and I? Why are you all waiting for him to do or say something that will hurt me?” he tried to soften is irritation alongside his tone, not wanting the others to hear. “Is it possible you and the others can’t even consider that we’re alright together, that I won’t necessarily suffer?” he added, then bit on his lip and quickly finished to get dressed.

He grabbed his stuff harshly and made as to leave, trying to make it as fast as possible.

It was useless; he hadn’t gotten far, and he heard steps behind him.

He didn’t even try to walk faster. He just stopped and waited until Fujigaya was in front of him.

“You didn’t answer my question, Tama.” he just pointed out.

The younger held his breath for a second, letting Taisuke’s will to listen to him tempt him.

But in the end, he gave up.

“I’m tired, Taipi. Don’t feel like talking.” he said, and started walking again.

This time, the other didn’t follow him.

He really wished he could’ve told him something. He wished he could’ve told him he was right, that the whole situation had become unbearable, that he hadn’t slept in weeks, that he couldn’t eat without feeling nauseated.

That he was going to be ill, had things gone on like this.

But he wasn’t going to tell him anything of the sort, because it would’ve meant having to listen that the only solution was to stop seeing Kame, and he wasn’t ready to do that.

He still hadn’t reached the limit of the pain he could bear without breaking.


	2. Kokoro ni Nanika ga Tsumatte (Something's stuck in my heart)

Kame didn’t feel like talking.

And he found it pretty strange of its own, because for better or worse he _always_ felt like talking.

But still, he was smart enough to realize when it could’ve been counter-productive, and those were the rare moments when he’d rather shut up.

And in those moments, Koki was the one making sure it didn’t happen.

He sat on the couch at his house, staring into space; when Koki had asked him to come over he should’ve imagined there was something wrong, but had asked no questions and had gone anyway.

Now he regretted not having thought better about this decision.

_“Kame... we need to talk.”_

And he had felt like a child in front of his mother: he had winced and sat on the couch, tame, waiting for the scolding.

“Come on, Koki. What have I done this time?” he asked, impatient, since the elder didn’t seem to be anywhere near starting.

“I’ve talked to Taisuke.” Koki said, grabbing his beer from the coffee table and sipping it, looking eloquently at his friend.

Kazuya knew where this was going, and was expecting it anyway.

He chose, however, to play dumb.

“So? What did he say?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Tanaka glared at him, leaning over and resting his elbows on his knees, taking his head in his hands.

“You’ve got to let Tamamori go, Kame.” he was direct, more than Kamenashi would’ve expected.

He didn’t reply straight away.

He smiled, sarcastic, shaking his head and crossing his arms, staring at him almost absently.

“I don’t see why I should.” he said, then snorted lightly. “I don’t know what Fujigaya told you, but between me and Tamamori everything’s fine, so I don’t see why we should break up.” he added, shrugging.

Koki raised an eyebrow, putting his beer down again.

“Kazu, let’s face it... you don’t love him.” he said, and his voice was less accusatory, almost compassionate.

And Kame didn’t want his compassion, nor he understood why he deserved it.

“Of course I love him, or I wouldn’t be with him. And anyway, even if that was the case, I don’t see how is any of yours or Fujigaya’s business.”

The last comment likely hit Koki, who jumped up and got closer.

“Fujigaya loves Tamamori, and I do too. It’s our business the moment you decide to be with him knowing he loves you why you’re still thinking about Jin.” he hissed, a few inches from the younger’s face.

Kame kept still, and he didn’t know if it was for the surprise or for actual indifference.

He didn’t like to hear his name.

And still, it made no difference. Whether he was named or not, whether he saw something reminding him of him or not, he always thought about him.

He thought about him when he was with Tamamori as well, Koki was perfectly right about that, but he never did it on purpose.

Just, feeling hands on him, feeling lips on his own, feeling so close to someone else, recalled him of every moment he had spent with Jin, because he had been all he had ever known before Yuta, because he had always been there, because he would’ve always been a part of himself, whether he wanted it or not.

And, all in all, maybe he did want it.

Maybe he wanted to keep thinking about him, maybe he didn’t want to part with the memory of each of those moments spent together. And he was sure that it was exactly what Koki wanted to stress.

“If Yuta’s got something to say to me.” he replied, after a few moments of silence, when he felt confident about the way he would’ve sounded. “He should be the one to talk to me, shouldn’t he?”

Koki made a sarcastic sound, shaking his head.

“Come on Kazu, we both know he’d never do that. Because he loves you, in case you’ve missed this small detail. And it’s not fair of you to take advantage of that.” he said, almost disgusted, and it was enough to have Kame completely lose his patience.

“Listen, I’m trying, okay?” he yelled, brushing a hand through his hair. “I’m trying to be the perfect little boyfriend, I’m trying not to hurt him, I’m...” he sighed, chewing hard on his lower lip. “I’m trying to love him. But it’s not so easy, and he knew that when we’ve started dating, so now the last thing I need is having you preach about my life and my choices. Yuta had accepted the risk, and he knows how I feel. So... well, it’s his business if he’s chosen to be with me anyway. If it makes him happy, better for the both of us, right?”

Koki didn’t answer.

He kept looking at him with that look of pure despise, shaking his head.

Kame hated that accusatory look, and hated the idea of what his friend was thinking about him.

He went to the front door, grabbing his jacket and opening the door, waiting just for a few seconds for the other to try and stop him.

Koki walked slowly to him instead, keeping his distance, still starting.

“I just wished you heard yourself talking, Kazu.” he said, sounding almost sad.

The younger didn’t deem necessary to say anything further.

He went out that apartment, grabbing a cab and having it bring him at Yuta’s place.

He needed to see him. He needed that relaxed look of him when they were together, he needed to feel him close, to see the happiness on his face, whether real or fake.

He needed to believe that what Koki had just told him wasn’t the truth.

 

~

 

Kame shouldn’t have even thought about it.

But, as hard as he tried, he couldn’t keep his mind off of it.

He kept playing Koki’s words from a few days before in his mind, and couldn’t help but hating himself because he was proving him right.

When he had read the e-mail, he had felt disgustingly happy.

And as much as he kept telling  himself it was wrong, that he shouldn’t have felt that way, that he should’ve ignored him, he had failed.

Jin was in Tokyo.

Jin was in Tokyo, he had sent him a mail, had asked to see him and...

And he wished he could’ve said he didn’t know what to do and how to act, but the truth was that he had been consumed for months by the desire to see him, and that now that he had the chance he wasn’t going to miss it just to pretend to have some dignity.

He didn’t care about what Koki had said, he didn’t care about what was going to happen and he had refused to think about Yuta, aware that he was going to have to deal with his conscience at a later time.

But later, it was all going to happen later, because right now all he wanted was to see Jin, to touch him, to see him in front of him after all that time and understand what had happened, what had driven them apart, what...

Spinning the phone in his hand, Jin’s mail still on screen, Kame sighed.

He didn’t need to ask questions, anyway.

He didn’t need to, because Jin wasn’t going to answer, and because in the end he knew were the truth laid.

And he didn’t want it thrown in his face, just like Jin had done countless times before, when he had realized he didn’t need him anymore.

He still didn’t care and it hadn’t been enough, because there had always been just him, and Kazuya wasn’t going to listen to anyone, because he already knew what they were going to say and because he didn’t care.

That he would’ve hurt himself. That Jin was just going to use him, like always, and then he would’ve disappeared again.

That they weren’t going to pick up the pieces, this time.

And that he would’ve hurt Tamamori as well, and even though he was disgusted by himself, Kame couldn’t bring himself to let it be a deterrent.

He liked Yuta, he truly did. And he had also tried to learn how to love him, but he was never going to need him like he did Akanishi.

Kame needed him like the air he breathed, and he was willing to sacrifice everything he had to have him, to become a sinner, to hurt all those around him.

Because he was all that mattered, Jin had taught him that himself, a lecture of which he still wore the signs, but that had been burned in his mind for the past ten years, and that was never going to be erased from him.

He held the phone more steadily, reading the e-mail one more time, and against all odds he smiled.

 _Coming_ was his reply.

And from then on, nothing else was going to exist for him.

He was going to the man who, despite everything, he was going to love forever.

 


	3. Kizu wo Iyasu Kusuri Kimochi ii no (It's so good the drug curing my wounds)

Kame felt good.

Good, like he hadn’t felt in months.

When Jin had opened the door, it had been like all those days spent crying, all the pain he had inflicted him, had disappeared all of a sudden.

Jin had smiled, had hugged him.

Had told him he had missed him, and Kame had chosen to believe him, because it was easier this way.

The elder hadn’t let him time to ask him anything before kissing him.

He had let him, of course.

He had let him touch him, bring him to the bedroom, take his clothes off, make him fall on the mattress.

Jin had looked at him and had smiled again, and if Kazuya would’ve still had any doubts, they would’ve disappeared right then.

_“God, Kame... you have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”_

And he still had believed him, he still had decided he didn’t care what had happened to them, nor that Jin was married, that he was going to be a father.

That one wasn’t his Jin, he kept repeating himself.

His Jin was the one that was touching him, that was turning him on, like only he could do.

His Jin was the one taking him after having barely prepared him, brutal, and he didn’t even waste time complaining, because after all that brutality was what he needed to feel they were actually together, again, that all that had happened had left their bond unscathed, that bond that, Kame had always thought, was stronger than Akanishi’s bullshit.

He had always seen it like that.

He had always thought that Jin loved him, but that he just wasn’t cut out for relationships.

He had told him so many times.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

So many that he would’ve been crazy not to believe that.

So many that he didn’t care how much other people told him he had always just messed with him, he wanted to believe that, because all the others weren’t here in this bed, they weren’t there when he and Jin had been happy, together.

They didn’t know him like he did.

That was why Kame still managed to be next to him, and to want him more and more, and could overcome the worst the elder was capable of doing to him.

Because he knew they loved each other, and nothing else.

Wherever they were, with whomever they were.

Jin always came back to him.

It had been like this for ten years, since the first time in Okinawa, since Kazuya had intoxicated his life with his presence, and he wasn’t going to throw away ten years of his life and all that made him happy just because Akanishi was incapable of being with him like Kame would’ve wanted him to.

 

_“Jin... I don’t know if I’m so sure anymore.”_

_The younger sat in a corner of the tent, his knees pressed to his chest, as to cover himself._

_He didn’t like himself, after all._

_He didn’t like his scrawny body, he didn’t like his chiselled features._

_He felt a vague sense of nausea every time he looked at himself in the mirror, and that was why he felt so reluctant._

_But Jin, on his part, had never minded that much._

_He paid attention to him, he always said he liked him, and Kazuya had almost convinced himself he was sincere._

_When that night he had asked him to take a step forward, anyway, he had felt scared._

_He had never asked him if he had ever had sex, but he supposed he had._

_He was afraid of being inadequate. Afraid of not being enough for him, afraid for him to leave him, to tell him that, after all, he wasn’t interested in him like he had thought._

_And yet Jin insisted, and smiled and..._

_“Kazu, don’t worry. It’s going to be fine.” he had reassured him, and that had been the first time Kame had forced himself to believe him._

_He had let the older boy hug him and touch him, and when the initial awkwardness had gone away he had realized how much he actually liked having those hands on him._

_He had let go, simple as that._

_He had held back tears when the elder had pushed inside of him, he had tried to stoically bear the pain, because he didn’t want Jin to laugh of it._

_But he had enjoyed it._

_It had made him feel like he truly loved him, like they were the only people in the whole world, as if everything started and ended there, in that too narrow tent where Akanishi was forced to be close to him, to hold on to him._

_He had given him that innocence he had never needed, and he had done so because there was nobody else he would’ve wanted to take it._

_He wanted it to belong to Jin, because he thought it was going to bind them forever._

_About everything else, Kame didn’t care._

Kazuya thought often about Okinawa, perhaps more than he should’ve.

It had been the first time he and Jin had had sex, the first time Kame had told him he loved him.

And even though now everything was different, Kame kept feeling like that inadequate kid he was then because Jin, all in all, was still the same.

He moved to his side of the bed, resting his chin on his chest and smiling, the first sincere smile in months.

“You’re always the same, Kazu.” the elder said, slowly caressing his hair and chuckling when he saw him close his eyes and all but purr at that touch.

“I’ve missed you. That’s all.” he said, getting more comfortable on him, searching as much contact as possible with that slightly sweaty skin.

They kept quiet for a while, until Kame raised his head, looking nervously at him.

“Jin... why did you ask me here today?” he asked then, deciding he wanted to know.

Not that he needed any brutal honesty; he had asked because he knew Jin wasn’t going to hurt him, that it wasn’t his intention to do so.

Not now, at least.

“And why did you come?” he replied, raising an eyebrow. “You’re seeing Tamamori now, aren’t you?” he asked, appointing the boy’s name with a sarcastic sound.

“He doesn’t matter.” Kame rushed to say. “I mean... I like Yuta. I enjoy being with him and all, but... he’s not you.” he specified, biting his lip. “I love you Jin, and I can’t love him.”

Akanishi brushed his eyes, then massaged his temples counter-clockwise, as if he had a sudden headache.

“Stop, Kazu. Don’t say things you may regret.” he warned him, sitting up and making him pull away.

“I’ll never regret saying that I love you. It is what it is.” he insisted, stubborn.

Jin nodded, slowly, as to acknowledge that.

“Things are different now. I’ve got responsibilities. We can... we can see each other, from time to time. We can sleep together. But a relationship it’s out of the question, Kame. This is all I have to offer.” he said, as if he was bargaining.

Kazuya felt like crying, but he didn’t.

He was still the kid who didn’t want to disappoint Jin with pointless sentimentalism.

He was still the kid who cried when he was distant, who stopped eating, who hurt himself to go over what he did to him.

He was still the kid addicted to a drug he didn’t want to defeat, and now that Jin was next to him offering crumbs of his time, Kame couldn’t help but taking them as if he was starving.

“That’s fine. It’s not a problem. We can see each other whenever you want, I...” he sighed, licking his lower lip. “At your service, Jin.” he said, lowering his eyes.

The elder laughed, pulling him closer.

“Just like before, right Kazu?”

“Just like before.” the other replied, in a whisper.

And that’s how it was.

He was always going to be there for Jin.

 

~

 

When he went back home, he couldn’t even think about the fact that Tamamori was waiting for him.

He had almost forgotten him.

He had forgotten about his existence, he had forgotten about that strange relationship, he had forgotten how guilty he felt.

Why should he?

He was happy, and it was enough to forget everything else.

When he went into the living room, he found the younger crouched on the couch, his knees against his chest, staring into space.

He didn’t even look at him when he was in front of him.

“I’ve tried to call you, your phone was off. Where were you?” he asked, intent.

Kame could barely see his face, and he didn’t like it at all.

He wasn’t going to lie, he couldn’t.

It would’ve been pointless, because Yuta knew what to expect, he had always been clear about it, and he didn’t deserve his lies as well.

“I was at Jin’s.” he said then, sitting down on the armchair.

The younger frowned, and still couldn’t mask the fact that his eyes were watery.

“Oh.” he just said, then nodded, as to say he understood.

“We...” Kame tried to say, but he was interrupted straight away.

“I can imagine that, Kazu. Thanks.” he murmured, brushing a hand over his face.

Kame wished he could’ve told him something more.

He wanted to say he was sorry, that it was never going to happen again, that he had thought about him the whole time, but it wasn’t true and Tamamori wouldn’t have believed him.

He kept quiet, then, staring at the ruin he had made of Yuta, looking at him crying quietly and feeling helpless, because he could do nothing to cure that pain he had inflicted upon in.

After a long while he stood up, sighing.

“I’m going to take a shower. Are you coming to bed?” he asked, hesitating.

Yuta nodded slowly, finally looking him in the eyes.

“Of course I am.” he replied, calm, as if nothing had happened.

Kame went  to the bedroom, and was about to go in when the younger’s voice stopped him.

“I love you, Kazuya.” he just said, defeated.

He tightened his hand on the door handle, hard, until his knuckles turned white.

“I know, Yuta.” he murmured. “I know.”


	4. Red Strings

It had been two days.

Kame hadn’t talked to him since he’d told him he had been with Akanishi.

Or maybe he was the one not talking to him, Tamamori wasn’t sure.

He just knew that in the past forty-eight hours his mind had been assailed by images of the two of them together, and that he was about to lose it.

He would’ve rather Kazuya had lied to him, but it was too late now to try and recriminate.

That night he had gotten home more tired than usual; he had slept close to nothing, and the lack of sleep had made itself clear during the whole day.

Now he just wanted to take a shower and go to bed, hoping that he could’ve rested a little.

When he was going to the bedroom and heard the doorbell ringing, he was almost tempted to ignore it.

In the end anyway, after the third ring, he went to the entrance to check who it was.

When he saw Kazuya through the peephole, he bit his lip.

Not that he hadn’t imagined that, on the contrary.

He knew how bad the elder reacted under pressure, and he knew that being quiet too long didn’t really work for him.

Sighing, he slid the deadbolt and opened the door.

“Yuta.” Kame said, forcing himself to smile. “It took you a while.” he commented, vague.

The other shrugged, moving away a little to let him in.

“I’m sorry, I was in the other room. I... I must’ve not have heard it.” he lied, closing the door and going to the living room with him. “Why are you here?”

Kamenashi hesitated, he saw that.

He shifted his weight, as if trying to decide and do something, not managing it.

“Yuta, I...” he started, but then stopped again, sighing.

“It’s not necessary.” the younger said then, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows. “You don’t have to say anything, because there’ s nothing you could say that would change how things are. I... I knew how you felt about Jin and I still wanted to be with you because it was what I wanted. It doesn’t matter that you’ve slept with him, it doesn’t matter that it’s him you love, and not me.” he took a deep breath, running a hand over his face and then, against all odds, he smiled. “I don’t want you to hide, Kazuya. I don’t want you to feign a guilt you don’t feel, because I’m sure you can relate to how I’m feeling right now. Because it’s how you’ve felt all these years, every time Akanishi’s done something to you, every time he’s slept with someone that wasn’t you. And how he makes you feel now, even. And yet...” he hesitated. “And yet you still run to him whenever he calls. And just like that I’m here telling you I don’t care that you had sex with him.” he said, shrugging.

Tamamori didn’t have a dignity to defend anymore.

There was nothing to be said or done that was going to give it back to him, but it was alright.

He had given up on it months before, he had given up every night he had spent next to Kame without even feeling desired, yet staying there and pretending to believe in such a little plausible love.

He had done that because he needed it, nothing more.

It was pointless for others to keep telling him that there was something better for him than let Kazuya walk all over him.

He didn’t want anything better.

He wanted to be walked on, to be hurt, betrayed, he wanted to cry and wonder every single day why Kazuya couldn’t love him, and he wanted all this because Kame was all he had ever desired, and he had decided he would’ve sacrificed it all to have him.

They were the same.

Yuta looked at Kazuya the way Kazuya looked at Jin, and he knew that somehow that made them closer.

It wasn’t really his intention to hurt him, perhaps it was just a dire need of not being alone, because he wasn’t capable of it.

Tamamori knew that too, and it made the list of things he had accepted without blinking.

The elder looked at him a little more confidently now, but as if not all his doubts had yet gone away.

“You can’t really be okay with it.” he murmured then, uncertain, as if he was afraid that Tamamori could tell him it wasn’t true any moment now, that he had to leave, that he didn’t want to see him anymore.

Again fear, Yuta deemed, of being left alone.

“Would you still be next to him if he gave you a chance, even knowing he doesn’t love you?”

Kame blushed.

“You can’ t know that, you can’t know that he doesn’t...” he started to say, but then seemed to change his mind. He lowered his eyes on the floor, nodding briefly. “Yes. I would.” he murmured, without looking at him.

Tamamori sighed, then he nodded toward the bedroom.

“Are you staying, tonight?” he asked, not wanting to discuss this any further.

Kame nodded briefly, apparently still lost in his thoughts, but him too unwilling to keep talking about it.

After all, Yuta thought, it had gone better than he could’ve imagined.

He left the elder in the bedroom, going to the bathroom and letting the hot water run, still intentioned to enjoy his hot shower.

Once inside, his brushed his face over and over again, thinking for the first time about what the future held for him.

He was never going to love somebody like he loved him, so he had nothing to lose.

He would’ve kept suffering every time the elder would’ve seen Jin, but he took it as a fair price to still have him next to him.

To have his crumbs, to have that small part of himself he had decided to give him, but it still was something, and he wasn’t going to be picky, just like he had never been.

Yuta honestly thought he could make it.

And yet, despite his determination, he couldn’t help but burst into tears.

 

~

 

Kame turned under the blankets, unable to fall asleep.

When Tamamori had gotten out of the bathroom he had noticed he had been crying, but had said nothing.

Then, without a warning, he had dragged him to the mattress and had started kissing him hungrily, as if he couldn’t help but wanting his body.

That he was just trying to suffocate his guilt, it didn’t matter.

He taken him and taken him, until he had seen him give in to exhaustion and falling asleep, and now he was trying to do the same.

It had been all like always, like nothing had changed, like they hadn’t both bared their weaknesses and their lack of pride, showing that neither had a dignity to protect.

Or almost.

There had been something different.

When he had climaxed, Kazuya had tried his hardest. And for the first time in months, Jin’s name hadn’t touched his lips.

He had seen the younger look weirdly at him, but hadn’t bothered asking.

He wasn’t going to allow that to himself anymore.

Yuta could tell him a thousand times that he didn’t want him to hide, but Kame couldn’t help but masking that part of him, even more considering the other was aware of it.

Kazuya was ashamed.

And that shame pleased Tamamori somehow, he was sure of it.

They were the same but, maybe, the younger had obtained the best part of the game, because he had him like he was never going to have Jin.

Among the three of them, Kazuya decided, the only one who had truly lost was him.  


End file.
